Ubermimicry

Growing up as an undiagnosed aspie, I would mimic my favorite characters on TV shows and movies. I did this so I could blend in with others. This led to creating an image in my mind of what my ideal self should look and act like. Sometimes my physical self image was much more ideal than my real physical self, and I would be shocked when seeing my reflection and my true self. This would sometimes lead to emotional meltdown due to a dissonance in thought.

Movies where everything to me. They were a stimulation to help me de-stress, my source of competency in common vernacular, morals, entertainment (of course), understanding of social context, a source of order, and a source of motivation. I began to be able to anticipate the common plot points and beats of movies. I also borrowed the motivation and tenacity from my favorite characters. This was instrumental to my ability to function. I'll explain why.

I am socially awkward. I get run over in conversation. I have no natural inflection in speech or expression of thought. Basically, my social output is bland, boring, and confusing. I've always known this by the feedback I get when I speak. I've always felt "less-than," when using my natural communication style. Less than the others. I wanted friends. I wanted meaningful communication.

At some point I began to feel slighted, as if everyone thought they were better than me. I still loved them, everyone. It was only natural that I would find my heroes, better than all their peers, wittier, stronger, quick thinking, but also more caring and altruistic. I seldom found them in real life, but I found them in my favorite movies. I would take on their personalities, absorb their spirit, by watching them repetitively. Mannerism, expressions, gestures, vernacular; I absorbed it all.

I combined this with the feedback I would get from people I came in contact with and learned to hone my skills and could finish conversations with less regret than usual. This was by no means a perfect system, but very functional. This was used in combination with mimicking of whatever current friend that I would cling to, and the basic mimicry of whomever I was speaking with at the moment. The latter would entail mimicry of facial expressions, inflection, gestures, and accent.

What else can I say about this? This turned out to be a very functional system throughout my life, even in adulthood, especially used in conjunction with other mechanisms that I will explain later. It allowed me to function at a basic level as an instructor in the military, combined with much scripting of material. It allowed me to gain hundreds of lifelong friends (I tend to lose many of them). But at what cost?

The problem with using intellect just to function in what should be a natural endeavor, is at the expense of massive amounts of mental and physical energy, and to the promise of burnout later in life. I'm at the point now where I've lost the flair and wit in my relationships. I'm once again bland and confusing. I never completely lost that anyway. Maybe I'm due for a rest, and can come back to better communication when I'm ready again.

There is so much more that goes into this, it's a lot to explain. It's possible that, currently, no character I see has the personality that I want to use. Maybe I'm still shopping and being more selective. It could be that, because of time constraints, I don't have the time to watch any movie with enough repetitions to absorb that character. My routines are not what they used to be when I developed these skills. For the sake of synchronicity, I'll leave this post as I leave most mucked up conversations. Ok, bye.